The Producer of Pretty Woman once told me the trick to getting a screenplay bought by a studio is the ability to present the premise in one single sentence.  That’s right kids, I once had a conversation with the producer of Pretty Woman.

There’s a place just over the road from Murder Burger that only sells these sort of dog training devices. They also sell special dog collars and discipline whips.

I’m not really sure what’s going on here, but I kind of think this is how all office suicides would look if the Human Resource department had their way.  Once you’re out the window the company is no longer responsible for your actions – but before you access the ledge the company must take all measures to ensure that your health and safety is not compromised.  Ledges over 1 foot must have a minimum of three steps leading up to them and any incline over 15 degrees will be accompanied by a handrail of no less then 1200mm in height. All staff are required to partake in a two hour instructional course on proper use of the company assisted suicide facilities. Injury resulting from failure to commit suicide using the designated facilities will not be the responsibility of the company etc….

The only criticism I’d have with the above photo is that it’s not wheelchair friendly.

I used to hope that the smart people in the world would somehow solve everyones problems.  As I’ve grown older I’ve realised that the smart people actually need to talk to dumb people like me more often just to get basic things right.  Take this invention here, it uses Segway technology to provide stand up transportation for people that have lost the use of their legs. On paper probably a good idea. In reality all it does is replace the respectable practicality of a wheel chair with a giant Lady Shaver.  People like me need to be involved in the design process of stuff like this so we can point out the obvious before it’s too late.

Right here is a great example of why hippies are universally hated.   I hope Obama’s new Jobs Budget includes hiring people to just hit hippies with sticks.

In the meantime you should all go to itunes.com/wearetheworld and download the remake of “we are the world”.  It costs bugger all, proceeds go to Haiti and it’s actually better then the original because Hall and Oates aren’t in it.

Personally I would have invited Kenny Rogers back to be in it but that’s just me.

Everytime I see a news story about Jesus turning up on an everyday household item I always wonder why the reporter doesn’t ask why Jesus is so crap at doing self portraits.  Also why do they never point out that it’s actually just rust.  I think that if God was really doing this it would just be his way of telling us to take better care of our possessions.

Sure,  you have a black President and First Lady in this shot and also   A) The Black Kid  B)The Native American Kid  C)The Hispanic Kid   D)The Standard Issue Whitey.

The shot is composed of   E) three males and three females with  F) the Native American girl being able to possibly represent Alaskan Inuit and at a stretch Generic Asian.  G) The Hispanic Kid is obviously the Catholic  H) The White Kid is general Protestant and/or Jew/Amish/Mormon.   I) The Black Kid steps into the role of Southern Baptist but can adapt to be Malcolm-X style Muslim as well which leaves  J) The Native American girl to mop up all the New Age and tree worshippers.

It’s all very tidy and the White House PR department has obviously put more time into this then they did the Air Force One flyover of NYC.

However, I ask the same question I always ask whenever I see these shots – Where is the Indian? (and by Indian I mean the original Indians from India) because for some reason Indians are always completely over looked whenever these political correct photos are taken.

Now if I was in charge of this shot I would have got two more kids – a boy and a girl so the gender balance isn’t upset –  K) The Indian/Pakistani Kid and   L) an actual Chinese/Korean kid so the Native American didn’t have to double up.  That way you also cover off   M)Hinduism  N)Buddism  O)Taoism  and  P)  whatever religion that The Beatles were into.

The woman in charge of Political Correctness at the White House obviously needs to spend more time concentrating on the job and less time telling people about all the interesting gay friends she has.

One of the hidden drawbacks of using child labour in your manufacturing process is that they just don’t spot the things adults probably would. That’s why it’s important to have at least one teenager in your slave base. Take note industrialists.

I predicted this would happen about 10 years ago.  You just can’t let the kids that grew up playing strategy games into Town Planning University. They should have been heavily vetting all applications from 2001 onwards. Now I fear it’s too late.

I bet the next time I go to the doctor he measures my life bar and examines my hit points.

I have a personal belief in the power of laziness. Lazy people would never get in this state because they would never be able to commit the years required to grow and clean and manage this amount of hair. I’ve also found lazy people to be more racially tolerant. Not because they don’t have prejudices, but simply because they can’t be arsed putting in the effort required to hate someone.

As an aside, this picture also got me thinking about Samson from the Bible.  You always imagine Samson had these golden flowing locks of hair before Delilah came along – but if you think about it 20 or 30 odd years of continual hair growth probably lends itself to more of a Bob Marley look.

Then I imagined Bob Marley fighting lions, and I bet if Bob Marley had lived a bit longer he would have done an album cover with him fighting lions on the front.

The only thing I hate more then white university students playing the didgeridoo is mimes.  I hope some cop pulls these guys over and gives them a ticket for riding without helmets.  If they tried to complain the cop could pretend to see the motorbike that they are pretending to be riding and pretend it doesn’t have a current registration or warrant of fitness either. If they kept complaining the cop should remind them that the best thing about mimes is the not talking part.

Seriously, if you’re a drug lord out there reading this… do not… I repeat… do not think how cool it might be to get everything you own made out of gold.  No gold guns, no gold porsches… preferably no porsches at all… no gold toilets… no gold collars for your dogs… no gold ride on lawnmowers.  Because it makes people laugh at you.

Look at Tom Ford or Karl Lagerfeld.  Do you see them sitting on gold toilets? No. They have normal toilets (except they are designed by Phillipe Stark).  And they spend their money looking good without looking desperately showy.

If I was you I’d just have one gun. Except the one gun you have has to be the gun you took off the last person you shot. Then when you shoot someone new you leave your gun behind and take their gun as your new one and only gun.  See what I’m doing here, I’m building a mythology around you and your gun without adding any gold. And I built in in three minutes.

Generally, I’m of the belief that all families should get family portraits taken. Mainly so I can quickly gauge whether it’s a family I really want to get involved with.  Seriously, if you’ve just hooked up with someone new, try and get a look at the family portraits hanging up in their parents hallway as soon as you can. Trust me, they will tell you everything you need to know about your new partner. The earlier you see the portrait the easier it is to extract yourself from the relationship.

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