We’ve got a new menu up and running.  (It’s actually been up and running for a few weeks but I forgot to say anything).

Thanks to all you guys that traded blankets for burgers on Waitangi Day. I dropped all the blankets off to the Salvation Army and they were stoked. Nice one.

Wow! Our new billboard has only been up for 24 hours and already it’s been taken down. But get this, it hasn’t been taken down because someone has complained, it’s been taken down because the billboard company (iSite) thought that potentially someone could complain sometime in the future! This is truly bizarre! It’s like being sent to jail – not because you’ve done something bad, but because you look like the sort of person who might possibly at some stage in the future do something that actually warrants getting sent to jail.

The iSite person said they would give us two hours to change the image somehow – by putting a paper bag over the chickens neck or something – so that the billboard could stay up.  We told him to go fuck himself.

The billboard artwork was all done in photoshop. When we tried shooting a chicken for real the choke of the shotgun was set wrong and Tony kept blowing away too much of the chicken. Also the blood didn’t spurt out right because we had to use a dead chicken propped up on a stick as the live ones kept running away and it turns out Tony is actually arse at shooting.  The Benny Hill theme tune was all that was missing from the whole debacle.

Through a long convoluted series of events that I can’t write about me and Paul ended up down country drinking in a pub with a couple of hard bastards who hunt pigs for a living. They were both top blokes and took us out the next day in this crusty old helicopter to bag a couple of pigs. It was the best day ever and we ended up with five boars and a couple of sows. Paul also ended up with two broken ribs.

Since then we’ve been working on a way to bring wild boar onto the menu because Gavin reckoned he can get us “all the little bastards you want as long as the helicopter’s working”. So as of last week we’ve added a Double Beef and Wild Boar Bacon burger to the menu.

If you’ve had wild pig bacon before you’ll understand why we’re stoked about this – and we’ve already had a couple of guys come in four nights in a row just to get the exact same burger. Generally though, chicks absolutely hate it.

Just got an email from a girl called Aimee that goes like this:

“Your burgers are pretty sweet, big fan of the chicken bacon and avo, but to be honest I’m not sure if I’ll come back. The service is terrible! Last time I was there the line was massive, once we got to the counter the chick answered the phone (while the chick making fries sat watching) the other guy serving went off somewhere to watch someone make paties instead of serving the mass line, then our girl took yet another phone order while we stood there. THEN had a meltdown working out how to half $33.60, after she charged me too much got out her cell phone to work it out.
Seems like a novel but there was just so much that went wrong, gutted cos the burger was actually nice”

Poor Aimee had a shocker, but even when she was venting in her email to us she sounded so sweet and nice and almost apologetic. Aimee would most likely be quite an awesome girlfriend because even when you did something really stupid my gut feel is that she would only be angry for about half an hour and then everything would go back to normal so you wouldn’t have to only watch the telly programs she liked for the next week.

She also can work out half of $33.60 in her head without using the calculator function on a cellphone which means she’s smarter then 80% of the people I know including me. 

That said, Aimee needs to learn to throw her toys a bit more and have a good old screaming rant. It’s very liberating and I’ve found it generally gets a better result.

So in future, if Aimee or anyone reading this has a crap experience at Murder Burger  - don’t just put up with it – start yelling right there and then in the store until your shit gets sorted or someone takes you outside for a good old fashioned punch-up. Either way you’ll feel better.

Don’t let anyone try and make you feel bad by pretending to cry either. Even if it’s one of the guys.

PS. Half of $33.60 is $16.80 if anyone is interested.

Originally we’d organised with one of the breweries a whole bunch of free beer to giveaway to Society of Meat members but then we found out that giving away beer is kind of illegal and we had a visit from the police about it.  So now the whole thing has changed to more of a loyalty scheme where Society of Meat members get to come to a bunch of Murder Burger events (that we haven’t organised yet), get entered into Murder Burger competitions (that we haven’t organised yet) and get some free stuff every now and again (which we haven’t organised yet0.

Hell, we’re not even sure what that free stuff will be so we’re just playing that one by ear as well. It’s a bit annoying that we couldn’t go with the beer because that would have been super easy and everyone would have been totally into it. Except for Constable James Williams and his partner whose name I’ve forgotten

But anyway, you should still probably join by filling out one of the forms next time you come in.

One of the chicks at work made these awesome mash-ups of the last lot of ads we ran, and weirdly they seem way cooler then the originals.  I bet somewhere someone in advertising can use this as a good example of something.

You can steal them if you want. We have a bunch of others.

Interestingly, you can pee on them and it doesn’t seem to have any effect.

Here’s our opening hours. Posted especially for all those people that keep emailing us asking what our opening hours are. You can probably all stop emailing us now.

Had a weird conversation with ‘Advertising Standards Authority’ today about one of our ads for the Auckland store. Seems we can’t run it anymore because it breaches some sort of something. 

Me: “Is it because of the picture of the guy? Because you can’t see his willie or anything”

Them: “No the picture is fine, it’s the line we have the problem with”

Me: “So if I took the line off the picture we could still run the ad?”

Them: “Yep, that would be fine”

Me: “Is it because we aren’t allowed to say ‘pooh’? Because I’ve been saying that since I was 2, and if we banish the word from everyday use I’m not sure what kids will do when they need to have a crap – because I’m pretty sure “Mum I need to have a shit” isn’t going to fly in most households”

Them: “Well, you can say ‘pooh’ and you can have the line if you don’t have the photo”

(5 seconds silence)

Me: “So let me get this straight. The line is OK without the picture, and the picture is OK without the line, but when I put the OK line with the OK picture everything is no longer OK.”

Them: “Yes, that’s right”

Me: “Wow…. this is the first time I’ve ever known two rights to make a wrong”

Them: “Indeed”

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